What is love addiction? First off, love addiction is a misnomer. True love is not obsessive and compulsive like addiction. However, what is addictive are the feelings of lust, intrigue, and romantic fantasies. If you have a love addiction, you get bored or uncomfortable with the stability of mature love relationships. Instead, you seek a sense of safety in the intensity of new romance. You push away fears of rejection, hurt, sadness, and anxiety by filling your head with a fantasy world. Love addiction often includes emotional and/or sexual affairs. Love addiction may also look like serial monogamy, when being single is so intolerable that you jump quickly into another relationship even though you haven’t healed from the last break-up. Falling “in love” quickly is a classic sign of love addiction. You may be confusing intensity, intrigue, and lust as love. You are constantly on the lookout for “the one”… even if you are in a committed relationship. “If only I find the right person,” or “This time will be different,” is a common refrain. Too often people with love addiction find true love in a long-term partner…then find themselves creating a different romantic relationship with someone else in their heads, and then behaviors in line with the fantasy world in their minds. Does this apply to you? As obsessing and acting out in this way goes against your values, a shame spiral follows. Without appropriately addressing the root causes of love addiction, this cycle will happen again and again. With each turn, the hopeless feelings get amplified. Fortunately, there IS hope.

Love avoidance or love anorexia is a different face of the same coin. When fear of being hurt or being consumed by a relationship is intense, it is easier to avoid romantic relationships completely. This doesn’t include someone who is making a conscious decision to stay single for reasons such as focusing on a career or personal development. Again, the main motivation for abstaining is fear. You might be missing out on some great opportunities because taking a chance would make you vulnerable, and that is not something you can bear.

Intimacy difficulties and disorders, including love addiction and love avoidance, are often a manifestation of attachment difficulties stemming from childhood. Whether that includes abuse, neglect, trauma, or other variables, healing needs to happen at the roots. In treating intimacy disorders, we will work on replacing unhealthy behaviors with healthy ones using the 30 Task Model. The 30 Task Model, created by Patrick Carns, Ph.D., is the gold standard in sex and love addiction treatment. Just as addiction and attachment disorders impact every aspect of life, therapy consists of a whole-life make-over. We stop acting out behavior, decide what sexual and romantic sobriety looks like, and give you the tools to continue down the road of recovery. We improve relationships in your life, process through childhood hurts, and create a life you love. A REAL life, not some fantasy.